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Category Archives: Wry and dry!

All in all a good trip though… :-)

Dear Reader,

There are just two things I am going to tell you:

1. Never board the compartment for unreserved passengers on Shalimar Express during February/March.
2. Even if you do, never, and I mean ABSOLUTELY NEVER speak a word in Hindi!

Read on, and you’ll see why…

‘Pack light and travel efficiently!’

This is a code I never lived by until this fateful night.

08/03/2011, Club Mahindra Holiday Resort, Munnar : 1100 hours

Being a right old slob, I had a big travel bag randomly dumped with my stuff. With this lot, I had an equally pesky friend Deepesh who decided to fix up an interview with a national television channel on our world cup song Jeet ka Junoon for which I had exactly 24 hours to make my way down to chennai! Took a bus to Alua. Fly baby fly!

08/03/2011, Alua Railway Station, Kerala : 2100 hours

The night dusked (my personal rebellion against discrimination – how can ‘dawned’ alone be allowed? x-() bright (there were a LOT of lights, duhhh) and clear (my wallet i mean :P) and it was time for me to board the train (obviously unreserved) that would supposedly take me from Alua in Kerala, to Chennai in Tamilnadu. I looked up at the old grand time-piece at the station. Made it with time to spare… The platform was unusually crowded.

Now I already had to use my seriously limited Malayalam Tongue (mindadhirukku and a few words more) to get myself from Munnar to Alua and was quite tired. To add to that now I find the platform super-crowded! And not just the ordinary crowd of the usual families with annoying kids wailing and bawling away mind you. No. This is a totally different level I am talking about right now – a whole sea of Orriyan labourers!

08/03/2011, Alua Railway Station, Kerala : 2230 hours

And along came the train. Now, me being a soft natured and well-mannered person, I just could not find it in me to match their brutal expertise in bagging all the right places to squat up inside an already filled train compartment (the floor spaces between doors, seats, upper bunk edges, and even the portable berths that a few of these gentlemen enlightened me about – a saree-like material tied in between a berth and another!)

So here I was, banished to Stand-land, with over 12 hours of travel to endure before reaching my sweet city, all the while cursing Deepesh straight to the burning pits of Hades!

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09/03/2011, Arakkonam Railway Station : 1100 hours

I thought I had seen the worst by now. How wrong I was! Bang! The compartment doors open and a hoard of new people get in. “hey aavo aavo andhar aavo” a group of eunuchs! Now, I’m no racist and am a firm believer that it is the human being within who needs to be respected. But believe me, this bunch was CRAZY! They not only demanded money but also went about acquiring the same in a very violent manner.

I was shellshocked because I am I bitch! You see, these people were demanding no less than a 100 bucks from each of us and all I had inside my wallet was a tattered tenner. I believe in plastic money but I doubt if they’d have a accepted my debit card.

Around the time these thoughts played merry-go-round inside my head, one giant of an eunuch winked at me and came closer! Cold sweat broke out of my forehead…

Until this point, I was totally agnostic. But now, I turned theist so fast that… “God please get me safely out if this mess and I’ll transfer to your account/collection box half my salary” “I’ll look at every girl in this world with nothing more than brotherly affection” “I’ll never download pirated software ever again… ”

Shaking with fright the first few words out of my mouth were in Tamil! What a stroke of luck that happened to be for me!!! The eunuch smiled and said it was okay and that they never harmed Tamilians, introduced me to her comrades who soon crowded around us took look at me with cries of “heyyyy mera gaoon ka mera gaoon ka” (belongs to my village)

Now they moved on to the guy sitting next to me. This dude started pleading them with his arms folded in reverence saying he had no money on him. Now he did it quite well and even they might’ve fallen for it, but for one little detail that he either overlooked or couldn’t help. He spoke in Hindi! The giant slapped him hard on his face and banged his head on the seat-wall behind him. Another one spit on his face while the giant stamped on his chest. When he still didn’t budge and started crying, they decided to strip him naked and look for money. Well you can imagine the rest…

In the midst of all this drama, one of them pinches my cheeks and says, “Tamil naattu singam paaru di inga… Nalla bumblimaas maari irukka raasa!” (lionhearted guy from Tamil nadu. You look sooooooo chubby and lolly-polly)

Well was I in any position to disagree?

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Posted by on September 7, 2011 in Wry and dry!

 

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Business panrom, 4 Kaasu paakarom… :-P


Protagonist's Note

Heavy rains all night through made it impossible for me to sleep. An early morning power cut (for no apparent reason) left me with no choice but to give up my desperate attempts at slumber. I woke up and blundered my way through the chores (no light), somehow managed to get my clothes on and carry myself downstairs. One brave strike at my bike’s starter and it fell out of the system. I saw the fates conspire against me and I knew that today was going to be no good. Even so, I carried myself resolutely towards the interview cabin…

SALES INTERVIEWS – DAY 2

(Knock knock)

Interviewer:(Mind-voice) Wow! A smart knock. So we finally have a candidate who knows how to carry himself…

(Danda nakara dan knock knock, danda nakara dan knock knock….)

Interviewer: (Opens door and finds a guy in sweatpants leaning against his back drumming on the cabin wall) Yes, may I help you?

Candidate (4): Intarview Saaar.

Interviewer: (Sigh) Okay . Come on in. What is your name?

Candidate (4): Sedhees Saar.

Interviewer: Okay Satish, Tell me about yourself.

Candidate (4): Porandhadhu, padichadhu ellam Thiruvannamala Saar. (Born and brought up in Thiruvannamalai)

Interviewer: That’s all? Do tell me more. What did you study? What do you do?

Candidate (4): (Looks as though he was just addressed in Swahili)

Interviewer:Enna lam panna pudikkum Satish ungaluku? (What do you normally do?)

Candidate (4): Vijay na romba pudikkum Saar.

Interviewer: (Amen!) Educational qualification 11th Std. nu potirke, evlo vayasu aagudhu ungalukku? (It says here that you’ve studied up to 11th Std, how old are you?)

Candidate (4): (Looks shifty) 19 Saar.

Interviewer: Huh? But it says here on your CV that you were born in 1989!?

Candidate (4): (Blinks like an Owl – Thiruttu muzhi) Saar enga amma sonnaanga enakku 19 vayasu dhaan aachu nu… (My mother told me that I was only 19 years old)

Interviewer: 2011 – 1989 evlo pa?

Candidate (4): (Blinks like an Owl again)

Interviewer: Thank you Satish. You may go now.

Candidate (4):Saar, enna velaiya irundhaalum supera seiven Saar. (Any job I’ll do really well)

Interviewer:  Okay boss. We’ll get in touch with you once we are through with the shortlisting.

(Mind-voice) 😥 😥 😥

 

Candidate (5): (Knocks) May I come in? (Neatly dressed, complete with tie)

Interviewer: (I see it, but I don’t dare believe it yet) Please be seated. (Mind-voice) Not bad, an MBA fresher!

Tell me about yourself.

Candidate (5): My name is Saravanan. I am from Trichy. Did my schooling and B.Tech there and moved over to Chennai to pursue my MBA.

Interviewer: Why sales?

Candidate (5): Because through sales I can get corporate experience and then move onto Marketing.

Interviewer: What is the kind of salary that you have in mind?

Candidate (5): Around 9 grand per month.

Interviewer: (Perfect!) You do understand that Sales involves a lot of rejection right? What would you do if a customer slams his door on your face?

Candidate (5): I wouldn’t let him do that Sir.

OVERKILL!

Interviewer: (nearly in tears) Welcome to &%^#$* Connections. You are to report here at 9 AM tomorrow for your training. After that you’ll be working out of an office in Tambaram. (Sniff)

Candidate (5): Hummmmm… Is this some sort of franchise channel? Am I not going to be on-role directly with the brand itself?

Interviewer: Yes. There are no on-role sales openings. Everything here is done through a franchise set-up. But your stationary (visiting cards, etc) would of course be branded. (Fingers crossed and praying to God Almighty he doesn’t run away)

Candidate (5): Hmmm. I’ll get in touch with you sometime tomorrow.

Interviewer: (Mind-voice) Isn’t that the interviewer’s line!? :-S

(Literally in tears now)

To be continued...
 

Business panrom, Ambaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaani aagarom… B-)

A group of my friends decided that what they needed was a scheme to multiply their money and hence came up with this new venture of theirs – channel partnership with a leading telecom brand! The rest of us tried to chip in as much help and support as we could manage. We all got together and after many boo-bahs and yawns and coffees, zeroed down on the immediate requirements.

Almost everything had arrived except the furniture which was way past the promised delivery date. Each of us enthusiastically took turns in abusing the company’s salesman (it was a job so well done that he switched his phone off for 2 days at a stretch).

All too soon, the concerned papers were signed, the new office inaugurated, and it was time to start recruiting! The requirement was formally advertised on paper (a small ad in the classifieds column) and placement consultants were notified. We chose to conduct the job interviews at the office of the brand we signed with due to it being centrally located (actually so that we look imposing to the appearing candidates).

And hence, the saga started…

THE NAMES OF CANDIDATES HAVE BEEN ALTERED 

SALES INTERVIEWS – DAY 1

Candidate (1): (Opens door and peeps in)

Interviewer: Yes. Come in. Please sit down. What is your name?

Candidate (1): (Looks at his knees and gives a ‘shy’ smile) Raghav Sir.

Interviewer: (Mind-voice) Name ke first night range ku feel panrane, ivan lam naaliki customer kitta poi enna pesa poraano… 😦  (To answer a kindly put forward question with his name he is all squirmy as if it’s his first night, god knows what he is gonna say to his customers)

OK. Tell me about yourself.

Candidate (1): (Another shy smile) Sir I am Salem Sir. Sir I am MBA Sir. Sir I am sales Sir.

Interviewer: Okay Raghav. We are in the process of short-listing candidates. Give me a call after a couple of days. (Fat chance)

Candidate (2): (Opens door and peeps in) Sir?

Interviewer: Yes. Come in. Please sit down. What is your name?

Candidate (2): I am Ajay Sir.

Interviewer: Well Ajay, your resume says that you are an experienced candidate. Tell me about your previous job experience.

Candidate (2): I am from Madurai. I studied in ******** College. I worked as admin in old company. I earned Rs. 13000 per month.

Interviewer: How did you come to know about this interview?

Candidate (2): I am seeing in Hindu Sir.

Interviewer: Oh great. But I don’t remember us advertising on The Hindu…

Candidate (2): (Blinks like an Owl)

Interviewer: Listen Ajay, if you were an admin earlier, why did you decide to come to a sales interview?

Candidate (2): (Blinks like an Owl)

Interviewer: Did you even know that this was a sales interview?

Candidate (2): (Blinks like an Owl & shakes his head)

Interviewer: Good day to you Ajay. All the best.(Bangs his head on the desk as soon as Ajay leaves)

Candidate (3): (Walks in wearing a short, tight half sleeve shirt with flowery patterns all over it and a tight fit pant with a huge bell-shaped bottom with bathroom slippers)

Interviewer:  (God save me!)

Good afternoon. Is this how you dress for an interview?

Candidate (3): Dress oorula irukku Sir. (Dress is in the city/town where I came from)

The res of the conversation happened in Tamil which I shall describe in English for the benefit of everybody

Interviewer: Where are you from?

Candidate (3): Thvnmlai

Interviewer: Huh?

Candidate (3): Thiruvannamalai.

Interviewer: Listen buddy, why do you speak so fast!? Lets take it slowly, shall we… Tell me more about yourself.

Candidate (3): (Speaks in English for the first time. Delivers the following, apparently well-rehearsed lines) I am Aegan. I am plus 2. I am want Rs. 20,000 Salary.

Interviewer: (Zoooooggggg… Out Cold! :-S)

Many more days to go...
 

You could’ve just asked you know! :-/

Girl: Honey, missing something?

Guy – TAKE 1: Yep! My pair of iPod earphones. Remember using them yesterday before turning in. Dunno where I put… CLICK!

Guy – TAKE 2: Nope! Y? CLICK!

Guy – TAKE 3: Oh yes! U… 😦

Guy – TAKE 4: Oh yes! U… 😦

Guy – TAKE 5: Oh yes! U… 😦

Girl (for Takes 3, 4 & 5): Awwwww… My baby! Are you doing fine? Maybe you should invite your friends over so that you don’t get too bored…

Guy – TAKE 3: Oh yeah, I already did! We had beer, watched some DVDs and all. Having a lot of fun after a long time you know. Good thing I… Pause…

Guy – TAKE 4: Of course not! (friend from in the background “Dude! Pass me da *&^%&* remote will ya?) Pause…

Girl (for Takes 3 & 4): You don’t love me anymore…

Guy – TAKE 3: Why, what’s wrong?

Girl: You said you are having so much fun after a long time! So you are not having fun when I am around? Anyways, forget it! CLICK!

Guy – TAKE 4: What rubbish! Of course I love you baby.. What made you think so?

Girl: What did have to lie to me for? It’s perfectly alright if you want to get together and have fun with your friends. What’s there to hide? Unless you are doing something wrong… Anyways, Forget it! CLICK!

Guy – TAKE 5: Yes I did. Just one guy.. Poor thing. He had some problem with his girlfriend.So I thought it best not to leave him alone…

Girl (for TAKE 5): Awwwwww! Poor guy. Some girls are so unreasonable… Anyways, so sweet of you to help him out and be with him! That is why I like you so much. You are soooo sensitive! Honeyyyy, you still haven’t wished me today!! 😀 😀

Guy: Ohhh… hehehe… I was jussstt ummm about to wish you dear… Errmmmm… Ahem… Happy Birthday? (:-/)

CLICK!

Guy (After 15 solid minutes of wracking his brains): Shit!! SHIT!!! It’s the anniversary of our first date!!!!

Tries calling her back.

The ****** number you are trying to reach is currently not reachable. Please try again after sometime.

Guy: GLOOOOOOM! Brooding brooding brooding moping moaning brooding….

I couldn’t even watch TV in peace this year! 😦 thank God I don’t have a girlfriend… 😛

 
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Posted by on June 2, 2011 in Wry and dry!